monday of holy week

I write
I weep
I agonize
I remain
silent
I pray
I should be ashamed
should stay away
but this is where I cling
there is no where else to cling
no one else to hold
does He hold tightly or absent mindedly obligatorily
"yeah..I told them...I'd be there...I gotta do this..."
or does He plead and beg with His eyes and His heart
"stay with me...come...be mine..truly forever...absolutely...all mine"
stop running around being the harlot...return to me...
"come back to me with all your heart"
can't you see? why don't you see...how much I love you?
why can't you feel my immense love?
let go of all your crap
make room for me
I have so much for you
but you can't hold it
can't receive it

but Lord...where
where are You
what do You have for me?
I know nothing
feel nothing
I want so much
but mostly to please and delight You...once again
as perhaps I did once

but I am little and afraid
alone and distracted
sinful and too old to still be so...

I should be better by now
but one thing I know
...only You...can pull me through
from this muck, this entanglement, this confusion, this struggle

You are the way through
even in my fallen state with my weak heart and weepy eyes
I look to You
long for You to show me the way
to come
through

I wait in the self-inflicted long suffering
I may be in sin
but I know I am Yours
I was Yours
You Lord, must work this through
I trust in You
only You

this Holy Week these holy days hours minutes
You
thinking of me

unable to do anything to save myself
ever
but just be with You
along the way
in the darkness
in my weakness
in my inability to do anything

I can remain
near to you
watching what you allow us to do to You
watching You at Your feet
as it is all allowed
as it is all accomplished
as it is all redeemed
I am redeemed...every minute every hour every day

I feel anything but clean and free and Yours
I am entangled enabled unable
detached destructive depressed defeated defenseless despairing
and yet...I am redeemed

hold me
in Your pierced hands
allow me to open my hands and let fall all I cling to
allow me to hold loosely what you have given
and fill me with gracious gratitude for Your life of love