the mountain of transfiguration

Mark 9
Luke 9:28-43 

Matthew 17:21

and as the blue and beauty and shining light of my literal mountain top experience fades into the sleep of night

I fall

like tents collapsing

like the sumptuous fabrics gleaming are folded and stowed away in crates 

I tumble 
back to the familiar place where fear dwells

of sad and alone desperately knowing this is the last resort

with the desperate father yearning for better for his son....

with the wide eyed wondering weak faithed disciples who want and long to be more

dejected by their inept attempts to do good and to heal

fallen 

but looking up we see Jesus coming back ....down His mountain of transfiguration

with 'the three' that were chosen...to go up...to pray

and He looks upon us...wide eyed and weak...causing such a commotion at the foot of the mountain

and with His word...with His touch...He resolves it...

and off we all go again...

this time determined...to really watch and listen and learn...

to be able to do the good when left alone again

or hope against hope

to be asked 
to go up...to pray...

and the rooster crows 

and the bells ring big at seven 

in the dark of morning

as the espresso for the cappuccino comes up

and I sit and I read what I have been reading 

St Francis de Sales' 'Introduction to the devout life' 

about the bowl....

He speaks of walking carefully as if walking with a full bowl of precious liquor

after being with the Lord

you don't want to slosh and spill

from your precious time of prayer 

after receiving His grace and love

and I walk around the apartment opening the wooden shutters 

staring out windows

sipping my coffee

slurping

and sloshing

trying to do and to drink at the same time

taking too much in

it goes down the wrong pipe

and I choke

choking and coughing and sputtering and laughing and crying and realizing

I need to walk about carefully

not spilling

holding precious balanced

what wonderful grace I have received

I may not be able to cast out demons

others'

nor my own

for I am of little faith....

I do what I should not do...

I don't do what I should

and most of the time I am unaware...

I do not understand the rules of fasting and prayer

I am envious and jealous of being left behind

I feel too small and inconsequential to be called UP with the others

I am considered not enough 

to go up...

to pray...

but

I have heard....

for I have been desperately

listening...

that "I am beloved"

for before His Transfiguration on the mount
there was another mountain experience...
.... today's gospel (January 23 Mark 3:13)

where Jesus prayed...

and then He summoned

...each of us 

by name...

I was called

by my own name...allison...

and I responded 

and I went up that mountain to follow

I may be at the base of the mountain

waiting

while others go up.....to pray

but I remain...

for I have been told...I am told

and I believe...

"nothing...is impossible

for you...."

you with faith the size of a mustard seed...

...a seed

a faith so small

so little

yet....

"you... can move a mountain..."

say to it....

"move....from here to there..."

and it will....

and it will

He will...............

............I do believe, help my unbelief...........